I HATE being a Stay-at-home mom! 

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

This is the part where everyone in the world thinks I’m an asshole… Or tells me “you’re so lucky you have children” or “how could you feel that way?” Umm because I’m human, and little humans are basically noise, covered in dirt topped off with some wine… Oh no actually that would be good, I mean whine!

 The thought of staying home with my 3 children, all day, everyday, is enough to make me understand why the stereotype of “SAHM” is a wine drinking, Valium popping, book club going bunch. I must have not been born with the SAHM gene. I love my children to bits and pieces, I really do but I’m designed for the working world. 

I’m a person who is a hardworking, smart and educated woman. I put in my 8-12 hours of work and then go home and love the crap out of my husband and kids. That’s the kicker here folks, I leave work. When you’re at SAHM you never leave work. (With the exception of book club of course, another piece of DNA that must have jumped ship during my creation) 

Picture this, yesterday, I spent the day at home watching two children from 8am until 730 pm. The house was a write off, the baby was a crying disaster, I wore sweat pants all day, didn’t even look in a mirror (soooo unlike me) the oldest one was being quiet somewhere in fear I would probably have a break down if she pissed me off, my husband walked in the door I handed him the baby and passed out cold at 7:45pm! 7:45pm is like mid afternoon to me since I keep the hours of a vampire! 

Today, I got up and did the same thing all. over. again. It’s like Groundhog Day or a ride that goes in circles! I’m never getting off this damn ride ever? 

What I want to know is how SAHM’s do this? How do you manage to watch the running around one year old, entertain the 7 and 8 year old, go outside, balance nap time and the check book, plus feed them all, 3 square meals, complete laundry, dishes and clean the house and still manage to look great, go to the gym have a social life anddddd love your husband?…. How is all of this done? Is there like a class I can take? I just don’t know how they do it. Maybe it will come to me after a glass of wine and some Valium at my book club meeting!  

Xo 

Invisible Boyfriend Chronicals

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

So, I’ve had my Invisible boyfriend for about a week… Let me just tell you, he’s a bore and the worst stage 5 clinger I have EVER experienced IN MY LIFE! 

Picture this: you’re texting this guy you “just met at a party”. Within an hour of having your number not only does he call you “babe” (which is fucked up) he also drops this doozy:

  

Like the fuckkkkk?!? First of all I see my ass not paying for you by the end of the month! Second of all…. Really?…So I decided to give my clingtastic boy a heavy dose of crazy:

  

Sounds like a plan??? LMFAO! Okay this person is one of three things:

A) a chick 

B) a dude who is getting paid an assload to talk to crazy girls ( but if he has to think about a porche im going to assume he doesn’t have a penis)

C) a crazy alien

C seems most likely to me at this point. But of course…. It gets better,….

  

Is this a Nicolas Sparks movie and I’m not aware?!?

“What if the next person is the one your meant to be with?”

Gaggggggggg! Who says shit like that?!? So needless to say this Invisable bf is kinda lame. Not only is he a stage 5 but he doesn’t do all the nice stuff my husband does…  Like leave me the last bite of his bagel with coffee ready to be made!

 

Invisable boyfriend also doesn’t rearrange my room when I’m at work because I stated it was “cluttery” and it was stressing me out.  

 

Guess you could say I’m looking forward to ending this “relationship” (HA! I use the term loosely) with Invisable… Because he’s lame… And I’m in love with someone else 😉

Courting the Invisible Man

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

So, there is this new app called “Invisible Boyfriend.” I shit you not! This app texts you as if it was your boyfriend. A REAL LIVE BOYFRIEND, complete with emoticons! It is designed for those women (or men, because they have an Invisible girlfriend option as well) who are lonely, sick of being harassed at family functions about not dating, or for those in the LGBTQ community who haven’t come out to their family and want to try out a relationship without officially coming out.

So, I’m very happily married, to a man, whom I love dearly. In the interest of science (my husband loves science), I’ve decided that I am going to date an Invisible man for the next month. His name is Chris, he’s super fit and we met at a party, or so the story goes…The story we made up of course. He’s into all the things I told him to be into. Not even kidding, I got a list of things I got to choose from and could even input my own. I got to pick what he looked like, his personality even where he lived. 

This Invisible boyfriend doesn’t come cheap, he costs 25 bucks a month! And you get one post card, 100 texts and 10 voicemails but in the interest of science Im taking the plunge! So the next month, follow me as I blog about my experience with this Invisible man, tell you if it’s worth the money, and tell you why my non Invisible partner is much better!!! 

If you too would like to join my experiment the website is

https://invisibleboyfriend.com

Stay tuned my loves,

Amber

The Mom of a Rich Baby from Instagram

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

This is my baby Charlotte.  

You know her as one of the “Rich babies of Instagram”. 

 

Let me set you all straight… My daughter isn’t rich and we are far from it as well! The money seen here is my 17 year old brothers money for a car that he’s been saving for awhile. There is about $2500 in this picture, none of it is mine or Charlotte’s. My husband and I both work as Child and Youth Workers and I also Bartend. We own one car and borrow my moms car when we need to. We live in a two bedroom home with three kids. Our room is the dining room that we have converted into a bedroom. As I read some of the comments about how these babies “are the next generation of douche bags” or how their parents must be failing them it makes me think:

You passed judgment on a parent because their baby was surrounded by money?

What kind of a moron reads into a picture that much??

We are a regular family, with regular money problems. Our baby is cute and likes to play with anything she can get her little baby hands on, including money. We don’t have a nanny or a babysitter. Charlotte’s favourite toy is a cardboard box. She likes watching bubble guppies and waking up her parents in the middle of the night. She loves to eat blueberries and the occasional handful of dirt. I guess you could say this “rich baby of Instagram” likes middle to lower class things because that’s what she can afford, and she’s totally okay with that.

From Trash to Class: How to be a Classy Bitch 101

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

As a female bartender, I have to let all of you other ladies know, there is a difference between class and trash. Men take note of these things, and it determines if you’re his for one night or for life. 

How to be a Class Act:

DO wear clothes that flatter your body type. Everyone can be sexy!

DO wear a bra that fits you!

DO leave something to the imagination, including but not limited to, the colour of your bra/underwear, your ass, vajayjay and what your tits look like naked.

DO NOT ask someone who is married to have sex with you.

DO NOT get on your knees for any reason in a bar, be it to dance, puke or otherwise.

DO NOT use your friend as a stripper pole.

DO brush your hair before you leave your house.

DO NOT wear pajama pants to a bar.

DO NOT get shit can wasted and then realize you have no money to pay your bill and ask for a tab.

DO NOT go home with some guy you just met and expect that

  1. He doesn’t just want to bang you
  2. He’s ever going to call you
  3. He has any respect for you
  4. You have any respect for yourself
  5. It’s ever going to be “serious”
  6. Just expect nothing okay?

DO stop drinking before the bartender has to cut your stupid ass off.

Women everywhere, please, for the sake of other classy women, stop being trashy and start being classy, sassy and smart ass-y!

Love,

Classy Bitches Everywhere

Xo

Pissing Off Your Bartender Can Be a Sobering Experience! 

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

I’m about to share some epic insite! Sometimes, you get slower service because you’re doing things that piss us off! You lovely people on the other side of the wood probably don’t know these things because you’ve never worked in the industry, or maybe you are just an inconsiderate ass, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt! You’ve now officially been warned!

You peel off your labels and leave them EVERYWHERE!

Don’t, under any circumstance do this! Why do you people do this anyway? Are you some kind of animal that needs to throw their shit everywhere? Staking your claim on a part of the bar using tiny little rolled up piece of soaking wet label!? You’re not in high school, a “fuck me” tab isn’t going to actually get you laid, loser!

Leaving your empty beer bottle on the table, you just came from, to order another drink, from the bar.

If you’re coming to the bar anyways, to order another beer, would it pain you that much to pick up a 7 ounce piece of glass, and carry it to the same place you’re going anyways? But yeah, you lift, right bro? Do me a favour, lift your head out of your ass and understand I am your bartender, not a bar MAID!

Come up to order a drink and have no idea what you want.

You. Came. To. Me. To. Order. A. Drink. How the fuck do I know what YOU want to drink? I am not a psychic either!!! 

Stand at the busy bar and shake money at me in an attempt to get faster service.

Listen, I have clothes on, an attitude and eyes, I am not a fucking stripper! You do not need to shake money at me in order for me to see you. I see you, waiting in a busy bar for a drink, just like everybody else. You’re not more important you pretentious dick, and you will wait in line like everyone else. I’m working as fast as I can to get to you promptly. NEXT please! 

Standing in a clearly defined walkway.

I’m super glad you’re having a great time, can you kindly have a great time, out of my way so I can serve everyone else who needs to be having as good of a time as you are. 

Asking me how you missed “last call”.

How the fuck am I supposed to know how you didn’t hear the DJ announce it over the large speaker. How am I supposed to know why you have clearly been coming to the bar for at least 5 years and yet you still have no idea WHEN last call is. How would I know WHY you are somehow deaf and stupid? Like come on people!

Ask me to replace the drink you spilt for free.

Just because you’re as coordinated as baby Bambi does not mean it’s up to me to give you a free drink!

Asking me to do anything but make you a drink between 1:45am and 2am.

At 1:45am when smart people have discovered last call is going to happen in a few mintues, and are ordering drinks, and you saunter over to ask me for my number, I want to hit you. 1:45am until 2:00am is crunch time in the bar world! So unless you’re bleeding or a bone is broken and you need an ambulance, do not ask me anything except for “Can I get a rye and ginger please.” 

And the biggest one of all…..

Don’t argue with me when I cut you off.

Your argument is invalid. Arguing with me isn’t going to make me want to give you another drink! I am not going to somehow have changed my mind! Just say thank you and leave drunkie!

See you in the bars lovelies! 

How do you know your bestie is your bestie for life?

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

As a bartender, I see many different relationships but mostly, I see friendships. It’s easy to be on the outside looking in to see the flaws in said friendships! FEAR NOT my trusty readers, I have determined (with some bestie inspiration of course) how to tell if your bestie is truly your bestie!

  • You can make stupid decisions without judgement, but honesty! (Ex. “I really like camo douche”…”it’s your life dude but he’s a fucking douche”…. “I know but I can’t help it”…..”your a fucking idiot, but your my idiot! Love you”)
  • You hate the same people, period! (ex. “I hate this bitch”…”OMG me too…. Tell me why we hate her again, just so I know too! )
  • You love the same people, period! (See above example gomers!)
  • Drunken girl moments! You know those moments were your all white girls wasted crying because you love each other …..SO MUCH!!!! 
  • You know each other’s flaws but fuck it, she’s your bestie so who gives a shit!?
  • You help each other stay on track! You know because when you’re going hard at the gym someone has to tell you to drop the cookies before you have four asses! 
  • You listen to their relentless whining about the same fucking thing! Thighs, men, kids, jobs, doesn’t matter, she cane whine all she wants you’ll be there!
  • She pukes and you hold her hair! That shit is love!
  • When she hurts your feelings she goes above and beyond to fix it! Doesn’t matter if it was the smallest of things, she will make it so that you feel okay about the situation! 

The number one way you can tell a girl is your bestie for life: she’s got your back no matter what!!!!! 

Now, go figure out who your friends are!!! If they don’t do this shit, run! You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life! See you in the bars my friends! Xo

The Bartenders Alphabet

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

Enjoy my alphabet ladies and germs!

A is for the alcohol that gets you drunk,
B is for the Bartender that relieves your funk!
C is for compliments that you pay,
D is for dancing, “Get out of the way”!
E is for the entertainment to be seen,
F is for fights that make me MEAN!
G is for a drink called Tonic and Gin,
H is for the hotties that will make you sin.
I is for the idiots who have drank too much,
J is for the jukebox that plays music and such.
K is for the people who are about to kiss,
L is for the losers and the girls that they miss.
M is for the mixture that’s in your glass,
N is for nights you fell on your ass!
O is for the open sign aglow in the front,
P is for pissed off rude snarky little cunt.
Q is for all of the questions you ask strangers,
R is for ridiculous but safe amounts of danger!
S is for all of the random one nights and drunken sex,
T is for tits…. Yup… That ones not going to rhyme.
U is for the underwear that’s on your head,
V is for vomiting in your bed!
W is for “What did I do last night?”
X is what you call your partner after THIS fight!
Y is for “Why did I do all of THIS??”
Z is for…. Fuck it! Let’s get pissed!

See you at the bars lovelies ❤

All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies….

Posted on by thecrassmatriarch

Attention Ladies: Get a fucking hold of yourselves!

It has come to my attention fellow members of my gender are fucking insane!!!!! I don’t claim to have all the answers but I can for sure nail down a few reasons as to why those of you that are single and don’t want to be, are still single.

Since I’m sure you’re all fans of lists, here they are:

1. You’re an emotional basket case.
Men by nature, make decisions based on logic, women by emotion. When you’re a bottle of wine deep, you more then likely make even more emotional decisions! (They don’t call it WINE for nothing ladies) Basically, when you are WINE-ING” about your latest break up, or how your boyfriend screwed up this time, you look like a hot mess. Men can’t handle that shit! Hell, I can’t handle that shit and I too, am a women! Have some class, and don’t whine!

2. You put yourself down.
Listen, we have flaws. That girl with the “perfect” body at the gym, she sees flaws in herself too, NOBODY is perfect! However, there is no need to point them out to anyone, especially men, that shit, isn’t hot! You don’t like something, work on it. Can’t fix it? You’re not trying hard enough. Okay, actually can’t fix it? Fine. Embrace that shit! A women with confidence = sexy.

3. You don’t tell like it is, unapologetically.
Men are simple creatures. Tell it how it is ladies! You mad? SAY SO! Stop trying to make them guess or “dropping hints.” New flash: they don’t work, never have, never will! You need to straight up SAY what your expectations are.

4. You’re too dramatic.
The last thing a guy wants to hear about is your drama with your friends and their boyfriends and the night at the bar last week and your mom and your dog and your car and your…. Just stoppppppp! It’s one thing to talk about problems, your partner is there to support you, but the “he said she said” should stay out of it.

Example:
“Oh my god, Becky is being such a bitch! I texted her to see if she wanted to go out tonight and then she texted me back like 1 hour later and was like “oh sorry I was in the shower, and I already have plans tonight” like what the fuck is that? She didn’t even say sorry or ask me if I wanted to come and she knows I had a bad day. Like what does that even mean!

What you should say instead:
I texted Becky to see if she wanted to chill but she already had plans.

THATS IT!!!!!! Which brings me to my next point!

5. You over analyze EVERYTHING.
With men not everything has a hidden meaning! It simply is what it is. With women it’s a whole new fucking can of worms. It’s ridiculous in girl world, you ladies are MEAN to each other! Get your shit together and re read #3!

6. You complain about how men treat you.
I’m going to say this as simply as possible. If you don’t like the way you’re being treated here are you options:
a) tell the man how you want to be treated and that the way you are being treated is unacceptable
or
b) say nothing and take it!

If you have chosen option A: Good for you it appears you have put on your big girl panties! If the man continues with said undesired action you may 1) refer to option A again or 2) you can leave.

If you have chosen option B:
You haven’t listened to a fucking thing I’ve said and you need to locate and put on your big girl panties and choose option A!

And that ladies is the cold hard truth! Women always tell me how lucky I am to have found a husband who is so good to me. While part of it is indeed luck the other half is because he knows and I know: I wouldn’t tolerate anything less. Why? Because I deserve it….and so do all of you! You just have to say so! And for the LOVE of ALL that is HOLY PLEASE stop drinking “WHINE” and start drinking whiskey! That is all!